Mom . . .

So, Mom’s mad at me again.  Only this time, I’ve had enough too.  She asked me to take some clothes to her, and I TOTALLY forgot.  I was trying to get a lot of things done, and the clothes just slipped my mind.  Not a big deal, right?  WRONG.  Big Deal.  HUGE deal.  You see, evidently when I was a kid she would ask me to do things and I would keep telling her, okay, I’ll do it, but then I never did.  I have 3 kids.  They do that to me ALL. THE. TIME.  But now, when she asks me to do something and I forget, she says, “you’ve always been like that.  I can never depend on you.  I ask you to do things and you never do them.”  So here’s my problem with that.  She asks me to do things ALL. THE. TIME.  Little things.  Big things.  And I do them.  For every ONE thing I’ve forgotten to do, I’ve probably done 100-200 other things for her.  But instead of focusing on the things I’ve DONE, she focuses on the things I HAVEN’T done.  And I’m tired of it.  My mom gets mad, she says basically that I’m a disappointment, and then she’s over it.  A few days later, I call her, and then things are all fine again.  Until the NEXT time.  The problem is that it takes me longer and longer each time to get over it. 

So this last time, I asked my Dad if she was mad at me.  I knew she was, because I tried talking to her about 5 or 6 times, and she barely gave me the time of day.  He said she was just a little upset because I forgot those clothes, but it would be fine, and he told me to call her later that night.  I said, no, I’m not calling her.  I ALWAYS call her when we have a fight.  I’m done.  Later that night he texted me and told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too, and I was sorry I was such a disappointment.  He said I was anything but a disappointment.  But you know what, I don’t think that my MOM thinks that. 

The next morning he called and asked if he and I could meet to talk about what’s going with my Mom.  So we met and talked.  A LOT.  And he asked me if I would be willing to go to counseling.  I said, of course, I think it’s a great idea.  But I told him that if I went, I was going to tell the Counselor EVERYTHING.  You see, there are A LOT of things I don’t tell my mom, because I feel like she’s very judgmental of the things I do and say.  I feel like I have to censor myself when I talk to her, because I don’t know how she’s going to take what I say.  So I told him, yeah, I’ll go, but I’m not holding back.  All of the things I HAVEN’T said to her, or haven’t told her, if she wants me to go to counseling, they’re ALL coming out!  And here’s the other thing.  I KNOW I’m not 100% right.  I KNOW the counselor is going to tell me things I don’t want to hear.  I KNOW that.  And I’m prepared for that.  But honestly, I think my Mom things it’s all MY fault, and she hasn’t done anything wrong.  So what happens when the counselor tells her she’s wrong?  What happens when she tells her it’s NOT all my fault?  What happens when she tells her the way she treats me is part of what’s damaging our relationship?  Will she keep going?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I think she suggested it thinking the  counselor would be 100% on her side.  But it’s NOT all my fault.  And I’m not sure if she’ll continue to go when she hears that from the counselor.  But then, that’s on her. 

I called the counselor the next day.  I’ve met with her twice, plus we had a 20 minute phone conversation before my first session.  I REALLY like her a lot.  She’s semi-retired and only works 2 days a week.  The first session she asked me what I wanted out of this.  I told her I am hoping to repair my relationship with my Mom.  But I don’t feel very hopeful about it because she’s not going to change.  She doesn’t think any of this is her fault.  So if that’s the case, then I want to change how I let her AFFECT me.  I kept saying I need to change ME.  At the end of the first session, she said, you keep saying you need to change YOU.  There is NOTHING wrong with you.  You are perfectly fine the way you are.  You just need to change how you let her AFFECT you.  Changing how I react to her and changing ME, are 2 different things.  But I do know there are things about me that I need to work on.  Things I need to make better.

So now, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  I'm going to counseling.  I'm trying to work on ME.  I'm trying to fix ME.  And along the way, hopefully, I'll fix my relationship with my Mom as well.

More Mom Issues . . .

Got in a fight with Mom again last weekend.  We used to talk everyday.  We haven't talked since last  Saturday.  It's now Monday, a week later.  I mean, we talked for about 5 minutes when I dropped the kids off at her house.  But that's it.  I don't know what to do.  She got upset because she asked me to bring her something, and I totally forgot.  No big deal, right?  WRONG!  BIG DEAL!  Evidently when I was a kid I used to tell her all of the time that I would do something and then not do it.  So when it happens now, she goes back to that time.  My kids do the same thing to me.  ALL. THE. TIME.  But hopefully when they get to be my age, I won't still be holding it against them.  Maybe I will.  But I sure hope not.  

So it's been over a week, and because I've disappointed her, YET AGAIN, we're not speaking.  Does it bother me?  Yes, of course.  But I'm tired of feeling like I'm a disappointment to her.  I'm tired of censoring everything I say when I'm talking to her.  I'm tired of wondering if she even likes me.  Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW she loves me.  But some days.  A LOT of days, I wonder if she LIKES me.  

My Dad and I talked the day after it happened, and he asked me if I would be willing to go to counseling.  I told him yes.  I AM willing to go to counseling.  The problem is, I don't know if it will actually do any good.  You see, I KNOW I'm not 100% right.  I know the counselor will tell me things I don't want to hear.  But I REALLY feel like she thinks she's 100% right and that she hasn't done ANYTHING wrong.  So what happens when we get to the counselor and the counselor tells her that she's wrong.  Is she going to stop going?  Is she going to disagree with the counselor?  Is she going to blame EVERYTHING on me?  I honestly don't know.  I WANT to believe that counseling will help.  I WANT to believe that it will make things better.  I WANT to.  But I'm not sure that I can.

PYHO: My Mom . . .

First, let me start by saying that I have the best parents in the world. They are amazing. They are always there for us whenever we need a babysitter for the kids. We can take small couple trips and know that our kids are being well taken care of. They also watch them whenever we want a night out. Plus, they get them once a week, which is nice for us. So yes, we are VERY lucky.

But one reason they get them every week is because MY MOM has asked me if she can take them one night a week. SHE asked me. I didn't ask her. She says they pay more attention to her when I'm not around, so she likes to have them by herself. So while it's greatly appreciated, it was HER idea, not mine.

Now that being said, she is constantly saying things that really upset me. Last week she kept Thing 3 for me all day because I had to get some things done out of town. Again, greatly appreciated, but I could have taken her with me, it just made it easier not to have to. So when I went to pick her up, she asked me if I would come over one day the following week to help her with something. I said sure, no problem, what do you need? Then she went off about how she just needed my help and they watch the kids 40-50 hours a month so the least I could do is help her with something for 1 hour. I looked at her and said, "I didn't say I wouldn't do it, I just asked you what you needed." And I walked away. But I was PI$$ED. And even though it's been over a week, I'm still a little ticked. You see, my mom says things, and then 2 minutes later she's over it, but I'm left with hurt feelings. Now, if this only happened once or twice, then no big deal. But it happens on a semi-regular basis.

I very rarely tell my Dad when these things happens. He doesn't like confrontation and it really upsets him when he thinks there's an issue, so I just keep my mouth shut, and I stay away for awhile. But this last time, he called me a couple of days after it happened, about something totally different. At the end of the conversation he said, 'when you get a chance, call your Mom, she likes hearing from you.' Well, I went off. I guess I didn't realize how upset I still was until he brought it up. But I told him that it's getting harder and harder for me to just "get over it" when she says things to me.  I told him what she said.  I told him if they don't want to take the kids every week, that's fine. They don't have to.  He said absolutely not, they love having them.  To which I replied, then why does she make it sound like you're doing us this huge favor?  You can't have it both ways.  You want to keep the kids, fine, take them.  But don't make it sound like I'm MAKING you take them.  That's not fair.

My dad told me to tell her how I feel, but I've done that before.  And instead of getting an apology, I hear 20 more reasons why what she said was right and why I have no reason to be upset.  So NO, I'm not going to tell her.  I told him I'd get over it, I always do, but that it's getting harder and harder and taking longer and longer.  Since she's not going to change, he needs to understand my reasons for pulling away, and I don't need a guilt trip from him about not calling her enough.  

BLAH . . .

Feeling very Blah today.  Actually been feeling that way most of the weekend.  Not sure what's going on.  It might be the winter blues.  It might be that I'm a little frustrated with my life.  It might be that it's just one of those things and I'll feel better tomorrow.  But today, not so much. 

This Is Me . . .

I decided to start keeping this blog for ME. I have another blog that everyone knows about and everyone knows who I am. And that's okay. But I can't really be honest on there; at least I don't FEEL like I can be honest, because everyone DOES know me, and they know who I am. So if I start talking about my kids or my hubby or my parents, then I have to sensor everything I say. I want to be able to write down EVERYTHING I'm feeling, without worrying about who's going to read it, and what they'll think. Hopefully, this will give me that opportunity.

I used to keep a journal. I've actually done it off and on for many years. I NEVER sensored myself there, because I wasn't worried about anyone reading it. And it made me feel SO much better just to be able to get everything out in the open. Hopefully, this will become my new journal.