Monday, May 27, 2013

Mom . . .

So, Mom’s mad at me again.  Only this time, I’ve had enough too.  She asked me to take some clothes to her, and I TOTALLY forgot.  I was trying to get a lot of things done, and the clothes just slipped my mind.  Not a big deal, right?  WRONG.  Big Deal.  HUGE deal.  You see, evidently when I was a kid she would ask me to do things and I would keep telling her, okay, I’ll do it, but then I never did.  I have 3 kids.  They do that to me ALL. THE. TIME.  But now, when she asks me to do something and I forget, she says, “you’ve always been like that.  I can never depend on you.  I ask you to do things and you never do them.”  So here’s my problem with that.  She asks me to do things ALL. THE. TIME.  Little things.  Big things.  And I do them.  For every ONE thing I’ve forgotten to do, I’ve probably done 100-200 other things for her.  But instead of focusing on the things I’ve DONE, she focuses on the things I HAVEN’T done.  And I’m tired of it.  My mom gets mad, she says basically that I’m a disappointment, and then she’s over it.  A few days later, I call her, and then things are all fine again.  Until the NEXT time.  The problem is that it takes me longer and longer each time to get over it. 
So this last time, I asked my Dad if she was mad at me.  I knew she was, because I tried talking to her about 5 or 6 times, and she barely gave me the time of day.  He said she was just a little upset because I forgot those clothes, but it would be fine, and he told me to call her later that night.  I said, no, I’m not calling her.  I ALWAYS call her when we have a fight.  I’m done.  Later that night he texted me and told me he loved me.  I told him I loved him too, and I was sorry I was such a disappointment.  He said I was anything but a disappointment.  But you know what, I don’t think that my MOM thinks that. 
The next morning he called and asked if he and I could meet to talk about what’s going with my Mom.  So we met and talked.  A LOT.  And he asked me if I would be willing to go to counseling.  I said, of course, I think it’s a great idea.  But I told him that if I went, I was going to tell the Counselor EVERYTHING.  You see, there are A LOT of things I don’t tell my mom, because I feel like she’s very judgmental of the things I do and say.  I feel like I have to censor myself when I talk to her, because I don’t know how she’s going to take what I say.  So I told him, yeah, I’ll go, but I’m not holding back.  All of the things I HAVEN’T said to her, or haven’t told her, if she wants me to go to counseling, they’re ALL coming out!  And here’s the other thing.  I KNOW I’m not 100% right.  I KNOW the counselor is going to tell me things I don’t want to hear.  I KNOW that.  And I’m prepared for that.  But honestly, I think my Mom things it’s all MY fault, and she hasn’t done anything wrong.  So what happens when the counselor tells her she’s wrong?  What happens when she tells her it’s NOT all my fault?  What happens when she tells her the way she treats me is part of what’s damaging our relationship?  Will she keep going?  Honestly, I don’t know.  I think she suggested it thinking the  counselor would be 100% on her side.  But it’s NOT all my fault.  And I’m not sure if she’ll continue to go when she hears that from the counselor.  But then, that’s on her. 
I called the counselor the next day.  I’ve met with her twice, plus we had a 20 minute phone conversation before my first session.  I REALLY like her a lot.  She’s semi-retired and only works 2 days a week.  The first session she asked me what I wanted out of this.  I told her I am hoping to repair my relationship with my Mom.  But I don’t feel very hopeful about it because she’s not going to change.  She doesn’t think any of this is her fault.  So if that’s the case, then I want to change how I let her AFFECT me.  I kept saying I need to change ME.  At the end of the first session, she said, you keep saying you need to change YOU.  There is NOTHING wrong with you.  You are perfectly fine the way you are.  You just need to change how you let her AFFECT you.  Changing how I react to her and changing ME, are 2 different things.  But I do know there are things about me that I need to work on.  Things I need to make better.
So now, I'm starting a new chapter in my life.  I'm going to counseling.  I'm trying to work on ME.  I'm trying to fix ME.  And along the way, hopefully, I'll fix my relationship with my Mom as well.

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