Monday, May 6, 2013

More Mom Issues . . .

Got in a fight with Mom again last weekend.  We used to talk everyday.  We haven't talked since last  Saturday.  It's now Monday, a week later.  I mean, we talked for about 5 minutes when I dropped the kids off at her house.  But that's it.  I don't know what to do.  She got upset because she asked me to bring her something, and I totally forgot.  No big deal, right?  WRONG!  BIG DEAL!  Evidently when I was a kid I used to tell her all of the time that I would do something and then not do it.  So when it happens now, she goes back to that time.  My kids do the same thing to me.  ALL. THE. TIME.  But hopefully when they get to be my age, I won't still be holding it against them.  Maybe I will.  But I sure hope not.  

So it's been over a week, and because I've disappointed her, YET AGAIN, we're not speaking.  Does it bother me?  Yes, of course.  But I'm tired of feeling like I'm a disappointment to her.  I'm tired of censoring everything I say when I'm talking to her.  I'm tired of wondering if she even likes me.  Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW she loves me.  But some days.  A LOT of days, I wonder if she LIKES me.  

My Dad and I talked the day after it happened, and he asked me if I would be willing to go to counseling.  I told him yes.  I AM willing to go to counseling.  The problem is, I don't know if it will actually do any good.  You see, I KNOW I'm not 100% right.  I know the counselor will tell me things I don't want to hear.  But I REALLY feel like she thinks she's 100% right and that she hasn't done ANYTHING wrong.  So what happens when we get to the counselor and the counselor tells her that she's wrong.  Is she going to stop going?  Is she going to disagree with the counselor?  Is she going to blame EVERYTHING on me?  I honestly don't know.  I WANT to believe that counseling will help.  I WANT to believe that it will make things better.  I WANT to.  But I'm not sure that I can.

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